How to love
by Patent Pen
Summary: A Tonks/Lupin lovestory, set in the books with some liberties. (I mean, it is fanfiction). Diary entries mixed with regular story format. Lemons will come later, so rated M.


Before I fall asleep, I see the face of nobody.

It was one of the hardest realizations I ever had, the one that I had made myself so completely alone that before I fell asleep in the thick darkness of my little room, I thought of nobody at all. There were people in my life that I cared for and loved, of course. But always in a brotherly or friendly kind of way, and as much as that means to me, I never really let anybody in. Through the night, in my sleep, I truly was alone.

For as strange and patchy as my life has been up until now, all the people I've met and things I've experienced, I never quite imagined this. The life I led never prepared me for anything but loneliness and constantly being on the run, in one way or another. Dumbledore, James and Sirius, when they offered me a helping hand and a way out, I took it. And now life is once more a trying struggle. But not that I wasn't prepared for that, I definitely was. I'm clever enough to make it through the night and come out alive at the sunrise. At least I have so far.

In very many ways, I am a rather simple man. I take my pleasures where I can find them, and the days and nights as they come. I try not to waste my brain and to be as useful to the cause as I possibly can. Lately though, I've had to lay low and stay in the house. I've been 'almost caught' too many times lately, and Dumbledore is working out a different task for me. (And soon it's the full moon anyways, and I'll be sitting tight in my room). To be completely honest, I welcome the break, I've felt a little too worn down lately, and this rest has done me good, even if I have to stay in this… _interesting_ house.

Sirius is here, and even if he's obviously unhappy about that, my company seems to do him good. Nymphadora is also staying at the house. She got a little shell-shocked the other night, and so she's taking a couple of days off. We currently have enough people around, and I'm glad she's resting too. I'm afraid that she's been overworking herself lately. She's been falling asleep in her seat and dreamt quite wildly. I can't blame her. We're under a lot of stress.

I keep finding myself in her company. I mean, aside from that the house only has so many rooms. She's really good at keeping our spirits up, and frankly, it can be quite contagious. A smile is almost always waiting to break out from the corner of her mouth. It's like she's just happy to be alive, while the rest of us are busy seeing the darkness around us. She focuses on the light. I've not known a person like that in ages. Or, maybe it's just the gloominess of Sirius that makes me think that. Compared to him, even Snape seems like he's almost positive. I mean, I understand that Sirius isn't enjoying this place, but things could definitely be much worse for all of us, and especially him.

There's just something about her that makes me forget where I am or what I am. And I miss her more than I care to admit to myself, and worry about her in a way that I don't do with anybody else. I try not to think about it. I try to push it away from my mind. But it's getting harder and harder, especially since she's right here with me now, or well, downstairs. I think about the way she smiles, and it makes me feel warm. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her and that there's no way back, because…

Before I fall asleep, I see her face.

I see all the pink hair and her smile and her eyes. I can hear her talking with Sirius downstairs, laughing, we were all having tea in front of the fire. I had to excuse myself, because I found myself staring at her, and I think that Sirius saw it. I feel like an idiot, like some teenager who never talked to a girl before…

…

Lupin put his quill down, staring at the paper. He hadn't written in his diary for ages, but now that he had done it, it felt good. He didn't feel like he could really tell Sirius about this without risking things getting messier than they already were. Although he was a good friend, having been closed up in this house for this long had made him a bit thirsty for drama, and that wasn't something he wanted to add to the mix. Of course, he knew about it. But Lupin wasn't about to confess anything.

He heard someone coming up the staircase, and closed his small leather-bound book quickly, hiding it in a drawer and muttering a few spells under his breath to lock it safe. As the sounds came closer, he recognized that it was Tonks. It wasn't strange for her to do so, the room she was in was right opposite of his. He held his breath without thinking about it, and felt his heart beating hard in his chest. She was right outside now, but instead of her door simply opening and closing, he heard her stop. he took a short breath, but almost jumped out of his seat when there came a soft knock on his door. He heaved a deep sigh and tried to make it sound like a yawn, not sure if he succeeded, and went to open the door.

"Yes?" He said quietly, but not unfriendly, opening the door and rubbing his eyes to at least try to look tired. Nymphadora Tonks stood there, smiling yet looking embarrassed, and even in the dim light of the corridor he could see that she was blushing. A moment of complete silence went by when they just stared at each other.

"Um…" She started, moving her gaze to the floor for a second before meeting his eyes again. "I just wanted to say that goodnight and that we missed you downstairs". She was fidgeting a little with something on her wrist. He stared at her, realizing that he had simply gotten up and walked away from their conversation earlier as Sirius had caught his eye. He hadn't even thought twice about it, but it made him feel like a complete idiot now.

"I'm sorry". He said earnestly, leaning his arm on the doorframe and running a hand over his face. "I don't know what came over me." Tonks looked, if possible, even more embarrassed at his answer.

"Well..." She started, and Lupin waited for her to continue, but nothing more came for at least half a minute.

"Uh, I…" He started, not knowing quite what to do. "I really am sorry. It was rude." Oh, what a stupid thing to say. He couldn't stop looking at her. She was so wonderful. And she was so cute when she blushed, Lupin felt completely warm through and through. Then she looked up at him, and as she spoke, there was a slight tremble to her voice.

"You know", she started, stopping to fidget, "surely you've noticed…" She bit her lip before she continued. "I mean, I guess it's quite obvious that I'm in love with you, isn't it?" Lupin felt like someone had just turned off the gravity of the earth and he was falling head first into space. He stared at her.

"I love you. I absolutely love you Nymphadora." Even through her shocked expression he could see her wincing at the use of her name, but he didn't care. "I love that you're called Nymphadora. I love everything about you and I don't know what to do with myself because I'm too old and not good enough for you, nobody is, and I can't stop thinking about you. I- I just can't stop thinking about you. I just want you."


End file.
